Fantastic

I’ve had a troublesome thought as of late. What if Star Wars isn’t real? What if it never happened? What if it’s just a movie?
 
It’s May the 4th, and normally I’d be really excited. No one loves Star Wars more than me. It would be SCIENTIFICALLY DANGEROUS to love Star Wars more than me. Your little heart would burst faster than if it was Force Attacked by the Sith Apprentice Starkiller in “The Force Unleashed 2” (for the Wii, PS3, Xbox 360 and DS). And I will always love Star Wars, from the sands of Tatooine to the CGI enhanced 1997 version of the sands of Tatooine.

                  It’s piles of sand for a whole new generation!
 
I’ve always assumed “Star Wars” was real. It happened a long time ago, sure, and in a galaxy far far away, absolutely, but it was real nevertheless! Ever since I read in a junior novelization of Return of the Jedi that all of these tales were true, I believed it.

But then my friend Dan sent me a couple pictures that were quite upsetting. “Behind the Scenes” stills he called them, but I only saw a wet bucket of soggy space lies.

 How can a camera even survive the extreme pressures up in Cloud City!?
 
What is happening with these lights? Why would you bring a boom mike to Cloud City!? This was an important mission to help Lando Calrissian, why would anyone want to bring something as bulky as a camera!? And why does part of Cloud City disappear? Is this a part of Cloud City where people are hanging around eating snacks right next to the action?

               I’d rather you be dead than fake, Chewie.
 
And look at this! At first I thought it was Chewbacca being beheaded by a kind bearded man for some kind of cruel bearded man feast, but John told me that’s actually Peter Mayhew holding his mask. I’m sorry, his mask!? His mask! You’re telling me Chewbacca is a tall man in a mask! I still wasn’t convinced, but then Dan sent me these terrifying images of scum and villainy.

                                                  No…

                                        It’s not true…..
 

                                         It’s impossible!

What if it’s true? What if these images show what people have been telling me all along! That Star Wars is a fake, a fraud, a mere six motion pictures meant to dazzle my juvenile senses into a pit of disbelief. A game of mere pretend  for man children to hold on to their limited edition Jar Jar Action Figures (the Louis CK of Star Wars( and let this fill the hole in your life left by a lonely adolescence!

             Love his classic bit about falling into space poop.

Which is what I would say if I was not one with the force!
 
It’s clear this is mere propaganda from the Empire as they try to turn our attention away from the issues that matter most: The Rebellion!
 
Nice try Empire! I know those cameras were part of Emperor Palpatine’s secret monitoring system that our heroes were just too silly to notice! That Chewbacca out of costume is just Chewbacca putting on his human mask, and then putting on a Wookie mask to keep him warm in his disguise!
 
And those guys building what look like models of the AT-AT’s and the Death Stars and the Jawa Ship? Those are just giant Space Gods no one ever talked about nor will mention again who got in there by accident!
 
There. That all makes sense. I have to talk to Dan about why he’s forwarding propaganda from the Empire! Oh hold on, he’s sending me another picture.

 
Nah, you can’t fool me Dan! I know a phony picture when I see it!
 

(Originally Posted on TheBubble.com for May the 4th.)

I want to describe a ventriloquist dummy who doing a slam dunk.

Nothing too fancy. He’s simply a ventriloquist dummy, made of sanded wood, little painted on eyes, a derby that is just comically tiny, but somehow balances on his head, as if it was glued on, but people, it is NOT. He’s sitting on the bleachers as the human players pass him by, with a little jersey on top of the painted on tuxedo he usually wears.

There’s a nervousness to him in the air, an anxiety that you can’t tell by looking at his face because it’s eternally unmoving. Two Hollow Eyes Staring Into Nothingness but they’re also green which is cool. Makes him look more human but its okay. He has brown vinyl hair, but you don’t know if it’s technically his hair or just a part of his head. There’s probably not a head under there so you can just see it as a outgrowth of his head. He’s sitting in the bench in a basketball game, a high school student, just like you and me. Waiting for someone to call him in.

Alas, it is not to be. Every single other player is a human. “Pass the ball to my human hands!”, they cry. “I hope I can use my skin covered legs to dribble it to the human hoop and totally dunk it and stuff!” he shouts. The dummy is heartbroken, although you can barely see it beyond his hollow face. Dummies can’t really make expressions beyond a hollow grin. They also can’t box.

The coach then picked up the dummy and made him say “Come on Coach! Put me in! I may be a dummy, but you’re the dummy when it comes to selecting and encouraging the weaker members of the team to realize their potential!” which made the coach angry and he threw the dummy back on the bench.

Suddenly tragedy striked (stroke) (strucken). Everyone got morbidly obese all at once. Right in the middle of this basketball game everyone has lost their youthful bodies and have succumbed to old age. “You’re all too fat to play!” - Shouted the Coach. “Ah I have only one choice! Get in the game Ventriloquist Dummy!” and he did.

The coach tied the ventriloquism dummy onto the basketball, threw him onto the court he bounced up. Of course, someone from the other team, the Westchester High “Real Dummies”, would try to grab his legs, but his legs are so weak and brittle, they just break off in the guy’s hands. He flies through the air with such speed his face paint peels off as it fights against the speed of his own propulsion. He then flies through the hoop. The world cheers. Lights go off. Endorsement deals sign. This ventriloquist dummy has become the Michael Jordan of legless faceless ventriloquist dummies who play on high school basketball teams and are thrown into hoops before the buzzer goes off!

All while drinking a glass of water.

Why did I want to tell this story? I guess sometimes we all feel like dummies who want to score a slam dunk but are unable to jump, move or talk without the aid of the kind of entertainer who chooses ventriloquism. The fourth worst art form.*

We all feel like dummies who want to do things dummies cannot do. Like did you know dummies can’t ride a bike or make money or not be eaten away by the sands of time as they are visited by a torrent of waves eating away at his devlish wooden skin? I can’t do any of those things either.

That was the most relatable story of all time.

Thank you.

*Three worse art forms: pornography, dressing up like Spider-Man and going to Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, play writing.

Footnote: This Dummy voted for Romney.

From the insular depths of the tragic remains of the Thinkatorium, we bring you a creature of pure ponder, a mind of mystery, we bring you Braincules for another segment of Braincules Answers Your Questions.

SPEAK

NOW

BRAINCULES

Hey, humanity! I am Braincules, the Being of 21 Brains! I come to you from the damned and numberless years of “The Future”  to answer questions and hopefully warn humanity from the unkind tomorrow it has in tow. Questions such as, “How Tall is the Tallest Dinosaur”, and “What’s a Tree?” Inquisitive morsels like thus sent from normal readers such as yourself to my 2012 communication outlet braincules@gmail.com! Let us begin!

Q: Dear Braincules, How come Bugs are So Small? Hana Carpenter, Cambridge MA

A: How childish of you Ms. Carpenter simply assuming that it is the bugs who are tiny, and not you, who is simply clumsily garguatuan, forever tripping over the home of our exo skeleted lilliputian comrades!  Of course on the off chance I am incorrect, I’ve consulted with a mutated Praying Mantis on this issue.

“WHEN I BIG I CRUSH YOU.” - Dr. Praying Mantis

Thank you doctor. Wise words, which I hope you will take close to heart.

Q: I have a first date coming up, what should I do? - Jeff Loveness, Los Angeles CA

Thank you for your incredibly romantic question, Mr. Loveness. The key to a good date is simple: intimidate the men immediately around you into submission until the woman sees that your are clearly the Alpha Mind Male! Shout your knowledge at opponents until they leave, cowering in fear! Then sit down and just start releasing pheromones. The date will admire your manipulative cleverness and soon you will have an heir! This strategy is how Braincules found wives 5 through 9, 12 and -8!


Q: Dear Braincules, in 4,000 years will there be more or less people in the world? - Courtney Coulombe, Nashua NH

More, many many more, but if will feel like many many less, as their lives are like that of maggots before the powerful Emperor who rules over our future. So all of you thinking your beautiful liberal arts degrees make you adept at traversing our apocalypse ridden landscape, know that our Emperor has the most special liberal arts degree of them all!

It is now fair to remind our viewers to mentally think-sing the Glorious National Anthem in your head so the Emperor can pick it up with his psychic sensors.

THINK SING NOW.


THANK YOU FOR THINK SINGING.

Q: Did corgis finally overthrow the queen? And if so, what technological advances has England achieved with said corgis in power? - Courtney Coulombe, Nashua NH

Is this some of that random humor my mind ears hear so much about? The one that is the scourge of our internet, where the word of Mortimer Sahl and Adam Sandler, our greatest satirists, are scrubbed to make room for “Corgis” or “Unicorns” or “Tacos”, things which leave no artistic mark on the Earth! SCIENCE has no time for your Corgi fan fiction. However I’ve managed to give your question to my arch rival, Bartholomew Sillypants. Bartholomew?

“BARTHOLOMEW SILLYPANTS: They make bone shaped rockets to fire into space and invented giant hands to get their tummies rubbed! OH MY PANTS ARE SO SILLY.”

Thank you Mr. Sillypants, I pray for your cancer treatments to come through. Thank you for your letter Courtney.

Q: Braincules, how would you solve the tense bickering in Washington? - Donald Budge, San Fransisco

You are in luck Donald, as I come from a future where there is no bickering in the government. We all agree completely on one thing, we must serve the Emperor! All is one with the Emperor! We love the Emperor! Let us pause again to think of the Pledge of Servitude as we consider our faceless child king’s presence.

THINK YOUR SERVITUDE NOW

SERVITUDE THINKING OVER

Did you think of any good ones? Just kidding! They’re all great as far as the Emperor is concerned! As for your era, it’s easy, just trick all the politicians into kisisng each other. It’s hard to fight over a law when you’re reeling from the awkwardness of kissing each other!

Fun Fact About the Emperor: He loves the color blue and is Supreme.


Q: y u so gay - Jordan Clifford, Brookyln NY

A: Clifford is it? New York was it? Know this Clifford, I will not take such hazing sitting down! I am a man of science and as such can obliterate your intestines at a moment’s notice! Your innards will be sweet goo and you will rue the day you made Braincules feel weird about his sexuality! I have eight gay minds and they were bioengineered that way and will defeat you in the Mental Mindlympics!

Thank you for your e-mails, 2012. As always, I sit here gently in my bunker, pondering matters which could never even tickle your gentle frontal lobes. Like a tickly feather of weighted genius. I encourage you to e-mail me more queries about any old matter that a man with 21 Brains in “The Future” can answer at brainculesthinks@gmail.com. Thank you and may the Emperor Find You Well.

(This is something I’ve been developing in one way or another for ages, and I guess putting it on Tumblr is better than nothing!)

1.) 5
2.) 8
3.) 6
4.) 1
5.) 4
6.) 9
7.) 3
8.) 10
9.) 7
10.) 2

When I’ve finished reading 50 Shades of Gray and had a moment to chew it over, I was dumbstruck by all of the criticism foisted on it. “Not enough shades of Gray! We want more shades of Gray!” Fifty shades is enough for THIS guy thank you! You know what more shades of gray would give me? One too many boners that’s what!

In short, the book has given me a sexual awakening. A thousand genitals all over LA all crying out in a high pitched squeal, like a crazed bat trapped in a bug zapper. I’ve decided to post my favorite passage here so all those living in hate and denial of literary might can see where I am coming from.

FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY

CHAPTER EIGHT

1.) Off Set Eggshell Gray

2.) Grandpa’s Mustache Gray

3.) Wolf’s Mane Gray

4.) Stoic Pebble Gray

5.) Dusty Dad Gray

6.) Silver in a Marx Bros Movie Gray

7.) Burgeoning Storm Cloud Gray

8.) Hal Jordan Sideburn’s Gray (90’s)

9.) Majestic Shark Gray

10.) Ghost Eating Paste Gray

11.) Jean Grey Gray

12.) In 2008 I started volunteering at 826Boston and this little girl, eight years old, would come in and have the grayest eyes imaginable. It looked like she was so much wiser than me, but there is no way that could have been the case. Still it was a shade of Gray.

13.) Super Market Sausage Gray

14.) Two Pigeons Fighting Over a Supermarket Sausage Gray

15.) Cigarette Smoke Gray

16.) Cigarette Smoker’s Lungs Gray

17.) The Morality Behind Selling Cigarettes to the Public Gray

18.) Silver Surfer in Melancholy Gray

19.) Mickey Mouse Devoid of Soul Gray

20.) Puppy Dreaming Gray

21.) Cement Gray

22.) Gandalf the Grey Gray

23.) Asphalt Outside of Boylstone Ave in Boston, MA where I Went to College Gray

24.) The Rock in Winnepesauke, NH where I Used to Go Fishing with my Father Gray

25.) Rock Aimed at my Head Gray

26.) Silverback’s Back Gray

27.) Nickel Gray

28.) Old Gum Gray

29.) Mashed Potatoes Someone Touched With Their Fingers Gray

30.) Dark White Gray

31.) Human Brains Gray

32.) Monkey Brains Gray

33.) Bran Flakes Gray

34.) Gray Anatomy Gray

35.) Lord Greystoke Gray

36.) Unwashed Tooth Gray

37.) Catfish Lying on the Bottom of a Boat Gray

38.) Old Book Pages Gray

39.) Web Browser in 1996 Gray

40.) All the Suits on Mad Men Gray

41.) I scratched all the paint off of my cell phone battery by accident and a garish toxic silver peeks out. That is a shade of Gray.

42.) The Gray Hole, the Black Hole’s Wimpier Cousin, Gray

43.) Wall-E’s Biceps Gray

44.) Adam West Batman Gray

45.) Silver Spoon Gray

46.) Elderly Man’s Wigs Gray

46.) Squirrel Gray

47.) Emotional Gray

48.) State Quarter Collection Gray

49.) Suit of Armor Gray

50.) That Weird Feeling of Inadequacy Gray

WHEW what a passage, right guys? My life has vastly improved, and pornography has at long last been recognized as an art form (albeit America’s grossest.) I can’t wait to read the sequel, “Big List of Things that Are Plaid”. Hatchi matchi, do I love lists!

She walked into my office, and hiked up her skirt, running her finger delicately over her knee. “Kiss me” she commanded and I was like “GNYEH GNYEH GNYEH! AOOOOOGA! AOOOOOOOGA! Homina homina homina homina! ROWR ROWR ROWR!” I smashed myself on the head with a mallet, allowed my sweat stricken, veiny eyeballs to fly out of my face, twist themselves alongside each other, thrust back into my skull as two springs echoed in the distance, and rolled out my tongue. It flew out like the red carpet and I panted wildly as a little version of myself also flew out my mouth panting as well, and a littler version escaped his mouth doing the same. My tongue then flew into my mouth, rolling up like an elastic window shade and by the time I was finished she was gone.