I’ve had a troublesome thought as of late. What if Star Wars isn’t real? What if it never happened? What if it’s just a movie?
It’s May the 4th, and normally I’d be really excited. No one loves Star Wars more than me. It would be SCIENTIFICALLY DANGEROUS to love Star Wars more than me. Your little heart would burst faster than if it was Force Attacked by the Sith Apprentice Starkiller in “The Force Unleashed 2” (for the Wii, PS3, Xbox 360 and DS). And I will always love Star Wars, from the sands of Tatooine to the CGI enhanced 1997 version of the sands of Tatooine.
It’s piles of sand for a whole new generation!
I’ve always assumed “Star Wars” was real. It happened a long time ago, sure, and in a galaxy far far away, absolutely, but it was real nevertheless! Ever since I read in a junior novelization of Return of the Jedi that all of these tales were true, I believed it.
But then my friend Dan sent me a couple pictures that were quite upsetting. “Behind the Scenes” stills he called them, but I only saw a wet bucket of soggy space lies.
How can a camera even survive the extreme pressures up in Cloud City!?
What is happening with these lights? Why would you bring a boom mike to Cloud City!? This was an important mission to help Lando Calrissian, why would anyone want to bring something as bulky as a camera!? And why does part of Cloud City disappear? Is this a part of Cloud City where people are hanging around eating snacks right next to the action?
I’d rather you be dead than fake, Chewie.
And look at this! At first I thought it was Chewbacca being beheaded by a kind bearded man for some kind of cruel bearded man feast, but John told me that’s actually Peter Mayhew holding his mask. I’m sorry, his mask!? His mask! You’re telling me Chewbacca is a tall man in a mask! I still wasn’t convinced, but then Dan sent me these terrifying images of scum and villainy.
It’s not true…..
What if it’s true? What if these images show what people have been telling me all along! That Star Wars is a fake, a fraud, a mere six motion pictures meant to dazzle my juvenile senses into a pit of disbelief. A game of mere pretend for man children to hold on to their limited edition Jar Jar Action Figures (the Louis CK of Star Wars( and let this fill the hole in your life left by a lonely adolescence!
Love his classic bit about falling into space poop.
Which is what I would say if I was not one with the force!
It’s clear this is mere propaganda from the Empire as they try to turn our attention away from the issues that matter most: The Rebellion!
Nice try Empire! I know those cameras were part of Emperor Palpatine’s secret monitoring system that our heroes were just too silly to notice! That Chewbacca out of costume is just Chewbacca putting on his human mask, and then putting on a Wookie mask to keep him warm in his disguise!
And those guys building what look like models of the AT-AT’s and the Death Stars and the Jawa Ship? Those are just giant Space Gods no one ever talked about nor will mention again who got in there by accident!
There. That all makes sense. I have to talk to Dan about why he’s forwarding propaganda from the Empire! Oh hold on, he’s sending me another picture.
Nah, you can’t fool me Dan! I know a phony picture when I see it!
(Originally Posted on TheBubble.com for May the 4th.)